Banking by Relative Mathematics

 Posted by Lisa Laree to Catching the Mosquito

Here's another little thing that got published on the no-longer-accessible Facebook Notes.    My notes say that I originally wrote it in 2001;  I seem to remember it was prompted by a conversation with a friend who believed he could make his own truth, but that's just a shadowy thing and may not be right.  I do have an idea to turn it into a stage skit with a narrator, but that's not likely to happen.

Some things are just...true or not true...and all the sincere believing that can be mustered up will not change a truth into a preference, or a lie into reality....

Once upon a time, there was a bank.  It was a normal bank and carried on its banking business in the normal way.  Into this bank one day a young man walked…we’ll call him Joe.  Joe opened an account with the bank and deposited two hundred dollars into the bank.  The bank was happy, Joe was happy.  It was good.

            The next week, Joe walked into the bank and deposited another two hundred dollars into his account.  The bank was very happy to receive his money, Joe was happy that his money was well taken care of.  It was still good.

            The problem started about three days later, when Joe found a TV he wished to purchase for five hundred dollars.  Being somewhat distrustful of checks and credit cards, Joe decided to pay cash for his TV and went to the bank and attempted to withdraw five hundred dollars from his account.  The bank teller was as polite as she could be, but she still had to inform Joe that he could not withdraw five hundred dollars …he had only deposited four hundred dollars.

            Joe began to be just a bit testy.  “I put two hundred dollars into this account last week…and I put two hundred dollars into this account three days ago, right?”

            Looking at his transaction file, the teller agreed that that was correct.

            “Well, according to my personal perception of mathematical truth, that adds up to five hundred dollars.  I’ll take it now, please.”

            The teller was dumbfounded.  “But, sir, everyone knows that two hundred and two hundred is only four hundred!”

            Now Joe was beginning to be irate.  “I’m sorry, I do not agree with the axioms upon which mathematics is based.  No one can prove them to be true.  I think it is exceedingly intolerant of you to insist that the popular application of mathematics is the only true one.  You are imposing your belief system on me, and I do not appreciate it.  All my life people have refused to consider that my viewpoint is a valid viewpoint; from kindergarten on I have been ridiculed and persecuted for my beliefs.  As I see it, two plus two equals five, and you are denying the validity of my person by stubbornly denying the validity of my belief!”

            The teller was beginning to be a bit nervous, now, and wondered if she should signal the security guard.  However, just at that moment, a rather good-looking man in impeccable business attire stepped up and spoke to Joe.

            “Do forgive me for intruding, but I couldn’t help but overhear.  I must say, I entirely sympathize with your viewpoint.”

            Both surprised, Joe and the teller said at the same time, “You do?”  The fact that Joe spoke with hopeful delight and the teller spoke with profound incredulity seemed to mean nothing to the gentleman as he continued.

            “Yes, yes.  Allow me to introduce myself.  I am Murphy Stoffies,” the gentleman said, handing Joe a business card as he continued, “My business associates and I have felt for years that the current intolerant treatment of mathematical truth must be shown to be completely unworkable for today’s society.  We have opened a banking establishment especially for those who, like yourself, have been disenfranchised from society due to their mathematical views.  If you would care to withdraw your funds from this traditional, narrow-minded organization and deposit them with our firm, you will find that you will be allowed complete freedom to interpret mathematical function as it best suits your pursuit of the truth.  You will only have to agree with them as to your balance today, then hereafter you will be free to define your terms yourself.”

            Well, Joe thought that was just the best thing he’d heard in years, so he rather dismally agreed with the clerk that he could only withdraw four hundred dollars, closed his account, and accompanied Mr. Stoffies across town to the unorthodox banking establishment he’d recommended.  Sure enough, one of the forms Joe signed as part of the account-opening process included the statement, “We hereby agree that the mathematical principles applied to the computation of any monies deposited in this institution, as well as any interest accrued thereon, will be solely determined by the signatory individual(s), pursuant to the declarations of such individual(s) and deferring any differences between such determinations and the popular application of mathematics to Higher Accounting, whose calculations shall not be applicable to said individual(s) so long as this institution is in valid business relationship with said individual(s).”  There followed some more confusing language in small print, which Joe understood to mean that whatever differences this had with the way the popular mathematical principles would compute his bank balance would be referred to an advocate who would protect him from such differences.  Joe happily signed the papers, deposited his money, then promptly withdrew five hundred dollars and purchased his TV in time to watch the Super Bowl.  Once again, Joe was happy.  The bank seemed happy enough.

            This went on for some time…Joe made his deposits regularly and regularly withdrew whatever he required to purchase whatever he wanted.  His lifestyle increased gradually, until one day he was in to make his weekly deposit and ran into a gentleman who was withdrawing a large sum of money.  The gentleman turned to Joe and asked him what mathematical principles he was using to regulate his account.  Joe, proud of his theories, explained that he believed that two plus two equals five and operated his account accordingly.  To his consternation, the gentleman laughed at him.

            “My, what a simple, low-returning formula!”  Then he looked at him.  “Listen, son, you need to really get your teeth into this.  Let me tell you what I do.  You do know that in conventional, uninformed mathematics division by zero is undefined?”

            Joe agreed that he had heard that but didn’t really understand it.  The gentleman smiled.  “Well, all you have to do is define it yourself…say, anything divided by zero automatically doubles…or triples…or whatever, then come in and divide your holdings by zero on a regular basis.  You’ll soon have more money than you’ll know what to do with!”

            Joe considered this and decided it was superior to his way of manipulating his money…so he filled out the proper paperwork and began regularly dividing his account balance by zero.  Suddenly, Joe was wealthy.  He purchased an executive home and a sports car.  He vacationed on the Riviera.  Life was good.

            Until the day Joe went to the bank to divide his balance again and was directed to yet another gentleman in impeccable business attire.  Joe thought nothing of the uniformed policemen standing about, until he noticed that the man who had recommended the practice of dividing by zero was in handcuffs, giving a statement to one of the policemen.  Now, Joe began to be apprehensive.

            “What’s going on?” He inquired of the businessman as he gave him his account number.

            “Oh, it’s nothing to be alarmed at.” The gentleman stated in a soothing manner. “It’s just time to settle the accounts.”

            Joe was puzzled. “Settle the accounts?  What accounts?”

            Again, the man was unruffled, “Why, the accounts that represent the sums you have spent in excess of your deposits and earnings at this institution.”  The gentleman typed a few numbers into his laptop computer.  “Ah, yes, you have a sizeable outstanding balance.”

            Joe stuttered, “Outstanding balance?  I should have millions in my account.”

            The gentleman smiled ruefully and shook his head.  “Yes, that’s what everyone has said.  I’m afraid you have been misinformed.”

            Joe was beginning to be angry. “Misinformed?  What do you mean, I’ve been misinformed?  It’s all nice and legal that I could determine the mathematical formulas myself.”

            Again, the gentleman shook his head.  “I see you still don’t understand.  I am the State Bank Examiner, and I’m afraid I must tell you that this establishment had no authority under the laws of our state to operate as a financial institution.  In fact, the papers you signed merely authorized the officials of this establishment to take out loans in your name for the monies that you computed to be in your account beyond your deposits and legitimate earnings.  Furthermore, according to the papers you signed, those loans are due in full upon demand.  I’m afraid if you cannot pay the debt, you are guilty of fraud and liable to arrest and imprisonment.”

            Joe leaned over the examiner's shoulder and read the balance he saw on the screen.  All the color drained from his face and he made a little mewling sound as his knees buckled and he fell into the arms of the policeman nearest him.  His jaw worked before he managed to get the words out of his mouth.  "How...how can you do this?  I was told...everyone said...there are signed documents...this bank doesn't follow the commonly accepted mathematical principles!'

             The Bank examiner sighed.  "Do you really believe those principles exist because some people have taken a fancy to them? Even the people who started this institution know better than that.  Mr. Stoffies is wanted in seven states for fraud and theft by deceptions.  It is a scam -- they persuade people to invest with them under the most preposterous conditions, then run up huge debts in the names of their clients and abscond with the money that had accrued in the accounts, leaving the 'bank depositors' liable for all the debts.  However, the irony is that signed paperwork contains a paragraph that states you acknowledge that you will be simply borrowing money, which you will repay when the institution is no longer in business.  This so-called 'bank' declared bankruptcy this morning; Mr. Stoffies and his cohorts are long gone and you," here he nodded at the other gentleman in handcuffs as he continued, "and your fellow bank customers are left, legally, with all the debts."

            Joe had progressed beyond shock to anger.  “But…but…that’s not fair!  He said I would be allowed to apply mathematics as I understood them!  What right have you to say I am not correct?”

            Now the bank examiner began to lose his patience.  “I am sorry that I am the one to tell you this, if you have lived all your life without anyone ever telling you before.  It would have saved you much trouble had you understood this before the accounts were due.”  He stood up and looked Joe squarely in the eye.  “The principles and axioms of common mathematics are not the result of popular preference.  Mathematics is founded upon those principles and axioms because they are true.  They were true before people figured them out.  They will be true long after you and I have left the earth.  They are true whether anyone believes them or not.  One plus one will always be two.  A plus B will always be the same as B plus A.  It is absolutely impossible to divide anything by nothing.  You chose not to accept that, to believe the lies of someone whose sole motivation was your deception, either directly or through others he had likewise deceived.  He could not have deceived any of you if you had decided to believe the truth originally told to you.  Now you owe a debt you cannot pay.”  He nodded to the policeman, who put handcuffs on Joe, reciting as he did, “You have the right to remain silent…..”

            The bank examiner watched as Joe, shocked again into complicity, was led away.  Then he sighed sadly as he sat back down and wearily repeated, "Next case."